I feel a need to reset myself and figure out what I want to do with all this stuff. I feel very strongly that it is IMPORTANT for me to break through this barrier I have set up for myself that is prohibiting me from truly making my own pieces. When I look back at the things I've made over the last year and a half, I do see a very strong presence in those pieces I did early on, before I got . . . self-conscious, or something, whatever it is. I love the water piece I did with the glass star in the sky, and I love the Magic book I made. I also enjoyed the over-the-top romanticness of the watchmaker's tins that I did for a recently married bride and her parents.
But for some reason, when I sit down to think, "what do I want to make", I am met with a complete void of thought. No colors, no words, no images, nothing. That's why I feel it's so important to break through this and not walk away from it, because that's just not right. It needs to be faced and dealt with. The question I have to answer is what is the best way to do that.
One thing I have considered is that I may be putting too much pressure on myself. It is okay to take pride and enjoyment in following someone else's project plans, and for that reason I plan to make some of Tim Holtz's Christmas Tags once I get settled back into the house. I'm also going to try to not save every single possible moment for art but use some time for cooking for myself & others and generally try to keep a balance without getting wound up about doing so. By now I have gotten to the point where I don't feel I have to apologize for having time to myself during the day, because my being available that way allows us to raise our children as we think it ought to be done--without babysitters, afterschool care, forgoing extracurricular activities. So okay.
The one other possibility I have thought of is that perhaps I just can't "create" this way--I need to be able to give into the obsession and not stop for picking kids up from school, fixing dinners, doing bedtimes, etc. In that case, I'd have to wait a long time to make anything! I think I can find a way to manage that, if necessary.
I think that when I relax a little, whatever I want to explore will come out. Now I'm open to it--even more, finally aware that I have been avoiding it. So I'll continue to do stuff and wait for whatever I want to explore to knock on my door, which will be unlocked and inviting.