Finding my way

I find that I can't do much in the summer when the kids are off of school, nor can I do much exploration when at my parents' (I was there nearly a month this time), but I have found time to make some baby steps towards finding out what I have to say rather than frantically absorbing techniques and tutorials and then not knowing how to make them mine.  This has become an intensely personal process of discovery and frankly one that has not been terribly comfortable--but if not now, when--right?  So I have persevered, at a slower pace than I might wish, but a realistic one given the circumstances (children ages 7 and 12).

I am making good progress writing a little something every day.  I found a great--free--app for the iPhone called Momento, and it has allowed me to meet that goal.

I am taking the advice I would give to someone else:  identify my long-term goals (if I even have any--just playing is a perfectly valid choice) and then figure out how to manage my short-term and mid-term time to achieve them.  Using the Weekly Shaper tool has really helped me be realistic about what I can accomplish over the space of a week or two, and I love the way it divides the day into three sections.  Simple but very effective.

Hopefully I will find something that lets me add pics from my iPhone.  When I can do that, without the hassle of hooking my camera up to the computer and transferring images, running them thru Photoshop, importing them into Blogger, I think I will be a lot more likely to blog again.

But I am very clear now about why I am blogging.  It is for me to document what I am accomplishing and what I am trying.  Looking back on entries from months and years ago is beneficial and rewarding.  I am not expecting Followers or commenters or even making friends.  That's nice, of course, but not my expectation.  That way I cannot be disappointed.

Cracking a Shell

Well, I took off a lot longer than just February from blogging.  Part of me found that it was just something else to do, like a chore, and it took up time (taking pics, uploading them, running them through PSE, etc.) that otherwise I could have spent actually making something or playing with some new medium, and at the time I was not getting enough back from it to make that worthwhile.

Now, however, I think I am at a place that I need to do this again.  And I am not going at it this time with the thought that anyone is ever going to come to my little space and read this stuff.  That just leads to dashed hopes, and there's enough opportunity for that without going looking for it.

This is about my place to figure out what is going on with me and learn to bring myself out into the open again.  These last few months have brought me to the very painful realization that I have allowed myself over the years to retreat so far back that I no longer feel I have the ability, the right, the confidence to make an impression on my world.  Between being married to a strong personality and wishing to avoid confrontations (after losing so many of them), and also not believing that divorce is an option (not for religious reasons, just personal ones), the only way left for me to accommodate the situation was not to express opinions.  Motherhood on top of that--no time to get anything done that took longer than five minutes--leached me of the will to make plans, to make lists, and get things done.  It was too depressing to make lists that never got anything crossed off of them.

So I stopped.  And in doing so, I shut myself down so far that I have no idea who is in there now.  I'm 41 years old but I feel like a child.

Having acknowledged all this, I am treating myself tenderly (except for those few minutes when I despair at the fact that I let this happen at all) and gently.  I am honoring and owning my vulnerability.  I am fighting my tendency to seek others' approval and instead learning to go after my own.

I am Becoming.

Taking February off from blogging

There has been so much inspiration and thoughts and examples and just plain overwhelming information that I have swum through lately that I decided I'm going to take off this month from blogging.  Not getting any comments on my last post made me realize that I was losing my focus on why I blog, for one thing, and I am also still figuring out what I'm doing this year.

I have made great strides though, by no means is this a bemoaning of losing my way . . . but I need some space to think and not get caught up on the conveyor belt for a little while.  Just the process of taking pictures, uploading them to the computer, running them through a quick edit, uploading to Blogger, then writing the post . . . that takes up all the time I have sometimes.  Right now I need to DO things, and the picture-taking needs to wait a while.

I do miss my blog and putting my thoughts down about what I'm working on and doing.  I think that when I come back in March that I'll be able to focus more on why I'm making the things I do and go a little deeper with my entries, and that is one of my objectives for this year.

Semi-stalled but still doing things

My time has been very productively spent doing both arty things and practical things--still cleaning up the house and our stuff from the holidays, and reorganizing my supplies to better accommodate all the crap (excuse me, valuable materials!) I've acquired over the last year and to facilitate the things I want to focus on for the next few months . . . book-making and journaling.  So I haven't posted anything because I don't want to take the time to take pics, upload them, edit . . . next thing I know an hour's gone by that I really needed to be doing something else.  But I think this week should see the end of that and I can get back to a more regular schedule.

Part of my problem moving forwards is that I apparently haven't fully committed to a decision about how to  put in the pockets to hold the tags/slips of paper that I jot down my ideas on.  Do I use library pockets with an extra accordion fold to hold plenty of tags?  Or just a little envelope?  And what size tags do I want to use anyway?  I was thinking of making the holders/envelopes out of Graphic 45 paper--am I going to want to do something to more fully incorporate that paper in with the hand-painted papers I used for the book pages?  And if so, what is that going to be?  (I did get some Glimmer Screens and an enormous Tattered Angels dragonfly stamp today with my Archiver's coupons with the thought that might be part of the solution.)  

As you can see, there's plenty whirling around in my head at the moment.  I feel sure that within the next few days, I'll realize what the answer is and get it sorted.  And here I thought sewing the book was going to be the toughest part!

In the meantime, I have gone through all my supplies/materials and reorganized between my public space in the dining room and the overflow space in our utility room; made thank-you cards using my new sewing machine for our English family that we can all sign and send off this week (it's not too late as long as they arrive before the end of January, right??); installed Photoshop Elements 9; done some experimenting with the masks and various sprays that I have; continued to mess around with the 1st workshop of Pam Carriker's through Strathmore online; and generally felt that I am getting my life in order so that I am free to devote some hours to these pursuits without any guilt whatsoever.  It's all good here!

Last post for 2010, sneaking in under the wire

Tonight my son is spending the night at a friend's and my husband is playing a gig an hour away, so my daughter and I stayed home and painted papers (she helped me a little bit).

Last night I tried to settle and do something but was just not able to do that, so instead I made some notes in the new little Moleskines I got for Xmas, did my first read-through of my first Mary Oliver book of poetry, and looked through some of 1000 Artist Journal Pages.  While I read I made notes about many things and ended up having a great & fulfilling evening even though it wasn't what I had thought I was going to do at the beginning of it.

I got a great idea about keeping lists so that I can keep up with my life instead of it getting away from me.  I also think this will help keep my list-making side in check and not let it get out of hand so that I end up just feeling bad about the things that aren't getting crossed off my list--because this book won't have things to cross off!  Right now I don't want to say much more about it, but I hope to complete it within a week and will do a full post/explanation then.

Tonight in preparation for making the book, I painted pages from a Dale Rowney acrylic pad (115lb paper, canvas style on one side and smooth on the other) with Golden Acrylic paints--begain with Cerulean Blue Deep, then some Turquoise (Phthalo) followed by Cobalt Teal and finally Phthalo Green (Yellow Shade) mixed with Acrylic Glazing Liquid (AGL henceforth).  I moved the paint around with various items--brayer, my fingers (in gloves!), a palette knife, a paper towel, or a paintbrush.  Over all that I put a layer of Titan Buff mixed with AGL to tone everything down.  The pages aren't finished yet--I'll still add some circles and patterns, probably with acrylic ink in hopes of reducing the sticky page factor.

I would like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to leave a comment on my blog this year.  There are so many wonderful blogs and artists out there, and it's impossible to comment on everything, so I really appreciate the effort made when someone stopping by does leave a note.

Happy New Year to everyone!

The Year is Wrapping Up--Looking Ahead to 2011

Wow, finally some time to just be and reflect and plan for the upcoming year.  What an odd feeling not to have deadlines approaching!  One thing I do look forward to doing in January is reorganizing my art space--this will be the third year in a row I've done that.  I enjoy the process--it reminds of what I've got, which is always useful, and stimulates new ideas and combinations in my mind.  It's always a continual refining here in my space.

I do have some things on tap that should be invigorating.  For one, I aim to finish the pieces from Julie Prichard's and Chris Cozen's online class Complex Collage, which has been amazingly fun and useful.  I have also signed up for Julie's Super Nova Journaling classes, including the bookmaking intro, and I think those should be very helpful too.  Also along the journaling line, I am enrolled in the three Strathmore free online journaling classes, the first of which begins on Saturday with Pam Carriker.

As you can see, I am aiming right now at further exploration of myself and what I have to say as an artist.  That's something I find very difficult to slow down and figure out when there is always so much going on, so many wonderful projects and ideas out there in magazines and on blogs, that it's hard for me to find my way to knowing what is truly my expression, my view, my truth.  I hope that these various journaling approaches and classes will help nudge me a bit further along that path.

One thing that I am hugely excited about (my mother is appalled, frankly) is that for Christmas this year I got a sewing machine.  Never before in my life have I operated one before, but I'm learning now.  (Tip:  ALWAYS put that damn presser foot back down before starting up the machine again!)  I don't have any books to follow or project instructions next to me--and I am trying to avoid the temptation to get any.  This I would like to see if I can follow where it leads.

Intended to address Reverb10 prompts but sidetracked by reflections on self-discovery

It was interesting watching what happened to myself the last couple of weeks when all of a sudden life shot into high gear and I simply had no time to even to think about whatever I chose.  Instead, when I had time to think (like when I was washing up the dishes), I had to think about what needed doing as soon as I was done with the dishes.  It was crazy!  Things were like that for at least a solid week . . . and then my six-year-old daughter got her first ear infection, and now I've got her cold and am seriously hoping that having it now means I will be all better for Christmas Eve & Day (am cooking for 11 adults and 5 kids--should be fun).  If only my ears and throat just weren't so damn itchy!

A wine charm--part of a set I made earlier this year--
done on 1" square Stampbord pieces--I'm including
this because it's something I did this year, which ended up
being the subject today, and I don't like to post
without having an image!

One thing that has gradually been making itself clear to me over this last year is that I have to--and I can--let go and trust that I am doing what needs doing in the moment, and that I shouldn't force myself into doing things I'm not ready for--and that applies to things as mundane as going through the pile of papers that need filing and are shoved in 3 different drawers in a dresser in our closet.  Eventually, I am learning, the time will come around when I will be moved to sort through them, and then it will take only a couple of hours, whereas if I'd forced myself to do it when I wasn't in the mood, it would take me days and I'd be highly irritated with everyone while in the process.  This doesn't work for those things that simply can't wait (like researching schools for my eleven-year-old son, which also consumed a great deal of time doing the work, composing e-mails to his current school, setting up appointments with new schools, gathering necessary papers for the visits . . . you can see why I fell off the face of the blogging world for a little while), but most things truly are not in that category.

This has been a difficult process for me, and one that still presents challenges (part of me wants to berate myself for not doing the reverb10 prompts every day in spite of everything else that cropped up), but I have gotten much better.  I was the kind of kid who made a schedule for the time after school up to bedtime, and I hated it when my homework took less time than I'd allowed & messed up my schedule.  After graduating from UT-Austin, I was first a relational database developer and then a project manager at Dell--I was great at making schedules, following plans, making lists, and generally getting stuff done.  Once children came along, my world was definitely not the same!  I learned not to make lists anymore because it was too depressing and demoralizing to cross only one thing off after a weekend when I used to cross six or seven things off in a day, but I never really came to terms with how my approach to life had changed until quite recently.  I felt it was something done to me rather than a choice I'd made, and thus it wasn't something I embraced or accepted.

Reading so many different blogs and learning how all of you approach things, describe your outlook, and see the gentleness with which you treat yourselves has been humbling and amazingly powerful for me.  I am probably the most emotionally aware than I've been in years and years, and I certainly have the best self-image I've ever had, and it's wonderful to say that.

Right, I've nattered on a great deal now and not addressed any of the prompts.  I shall do that another time!

Whoosh! There went the last two weeks

Well, I was doing so well there with the reverb10 prompts, and then all of a sudden I didn't even have a chance to think in the privacy of my own head about whatever I wanted to--I had to think about the thing I had to do next.  And I very consciously make an effort not to overcommit myself too!  I shudder to think how things might be if I didn't do that.

2007 bookmark/gift tag for the PE coach

It was primarily the end of school for my kids that sucked up my time.  At my son's school the families give gift cards to the teachers at the holiday party, and ever since my first year there I felt that although that was absolutely the best gift to give, it was also rather impersonal and lacked any "wow factor".  So I volunteered that year to make bookmarks that also served as the gift tags attached to the cards.  I cut each one by hand, selected reproductions of vintage schoolbook covers that fit with each teacher's subject area, and fastened them on with eyelets.  That year there were only 12 . . . this year there were 47.

2007 bookmark/gift tag
for a kindergarten teacher

2007 bookmark/gift tag
for a humanities teacher

I made custom embellishments using fragments, punched out individual tags, wrote each teacher's name on the tag, made the envelope for the gift card from the signatures that families had left on a sheet of paper in the lobby (scanned it into Photoshop Elements & added a layer of generic winter scenes--we strive for multicultural rather than Christmas specifically), folded each one into an envelope, tied ribbon around it to keep it closed, then tied each tag onto the ribbon.  As you can imagine, if you made it through that entire sentence, it took me a while!

I could have had help if I'd gotten prepared a little earlier, but that's my own fault that I didn't, and honestly, I didn't mind.  I recognized that it was important to me, and when I thought of using fragments to make a decoration for each one, I had that inner feeling that nothing else was going to do, so I might as well just get on with it and enjoy the process.  And I did!  Unfortunately, I didn't even have time to take pictures of the finished products, so nothing to share visually from this year's gifts.

2007 bookmark/gift tag
for a science teacher

At the same time, I also had to make a double recipe of shepherd's pie to take (my son got put in charge of the food committee this year, so I felt obligted to contribute something more than my usual plastic utensils & paper plates).  Then there was finding our enormous crock-pot from the boxes in the garage so I could take it to my daughter's school for their party, and getting all our holiday cards ready for sending . . . I didn't even have a chance for a few days there to read my blog list, and I ALWAYS do that.

Things seem to have settled down now, although I have a cold my daughter so generously passed on to me (luckily she doesn't seem to have shared her ear infection too) and I am hosting Christmas dinner for 11 adults & six children.  I am looking forward both to blogging and making things again.  Yesterday I did have a very successful day making a present for a cousin who'll be here for Xmas . . . I'll post about that soon as well as revisit some of the reverb10 prompts I've missed.

One Word Looking Back, One Word Looking Forward

Hmm, ran across Reverb10 on Christen Olivarez's blog, and it's intriguing.  I enjoyed the 30 Days challenge in November, although I wasn't able to keep to it between two kids in school plus hosting Thanksgiving & having my parents visiting for a week, but it definitely raised my attention to what I was doing each day that's creative.  Which is the goal, right?  Even if I couldn't document it, I DID it, and I appreciated and honored the process as well as the outcome.

So, looking back on 2010, what one single word would I pick to describe it?  Either "struggle" or "growth" would work, depending on which angle one is taking.  I think they are both sides of the same coin myself.  And with all of this growth that I've been having, I choose to go with the viewpoint of "growth" over "struggle".  Struggle is just that.  Growth is something new and good resulting from the struggle.  That is, truly, what I feel has come from this year.

Onwards, now--what word would I like to see myself selecting come this time next year?  Some choices come immediately to mind, such as "relaxed" or "serene", but that doesn't feel quite enough, somehow.  What I think I might like instead is "confident".  I would like that, yes I would.  I'd like to own what I do, not to belittle it or feel like a dilettante or pretender--to really give myself permission to get over that fear that maybe I really don't have anything to say and am simply accomplished with techniques, and to learn to think proudly in my heart and sing out loud with my voice that I am a Creative Person, and that is important and it is enough.

Stalled and Figuring Out How to Escape

I am stalled on my holiday cards, which is a real shame because I have bits & pieces of works-in-progress scattered all over my desk and the dining table. It's driving me nuts! So tonight I realized what I need to do is blog about it to help figure out WHY exactly I am stalled and HOW in the heck I'm going to get out of this. I want to do some other things, but I am disciplined enough to not start any other projects while these are unfinished (also, I would have nowhere to put new materials!), but I find myself avoiding the situation instead of buckling down and getting them done.



Why is that, I finally asked myself this afternoon? I was hoping that this year I'd be more efficient with my holiday card-making (the only time of the year I ever make cards), but it is turning into a slog. Part of the problem is having to create materials from scratch. Some of the cards use die-cuts (store-bought) of Tim Holtz' grungeboard, but often only one of an item comes in the package, so if I want, say, three of something, I either have to buy another whole package to get one element (NOT an option), or I have to use the punched-out piece as a stencil, trace the shape on a new piece of grungeboard, and then cut it out. That's not fun, I don't like doing it, and that's a large part of what I'm avoiding.

So, in the future, what I need to understand is that I am simply not going to make multiples of something if I have to do that. I thought making just a couple extra wouldn't be a big deal, but it turns out it is. At least now I recognize that and can apply to future holiday seasons.

I also need to have giant inking sessions. It's a pain in the neck to get everything out & put it back all the time, plus it takes forever to scrub the ink off my fingers. I'd rather do it all at once, because I do like doing it, just not the cleaning up so many times.


Good, that's two big things dealt with. Now I need a plan to prod myself back into action and wrap this stuff up by next weekend. I think it's doable, but it will take some work on my part. Maybe an incentive as to what I can do when I'm finished would be a good idea? Not a bad thought, I believe. Will have to ponder what it could be. . . .

My Fears

I am having problems getting going after my return from the vacation. Some of it is that I am still thrown off--and terribly disappointed, wounded--from something personal that happened at the end of last year with people I had been sharing my creations with, people whom I thought were friends, safe. I may be mistaken, but now I believe there were things going on that I wasn't aware of and that were purposely kept from me, and frankly I feel like a little child who was told to take her toys and go home. It was the first time in years I had opened up like I did, and boy do I feel it was a mistake. Right now I can't see doing that again for some time.

Part of my problem is in my head. I need to clean up my workspace, and that is frustrating because I have so little space--I want big tables, I need to spread out! But that's not possible for the time being, and when I look at issues of Where Women Create and see what some make do with, I know very well that's my head coming up with excuses. I could do it, I'm just afraid.

So, I pulled out Kelly Rae Roberts' Taking Flight book this evening and browsed through it again. And I thought, why not go ahead and write down my fears? I know from therapy for a previous experience that those things one thinks one cannot say hold power over you. You can say anything--and you MUST find a way to say those things you think you can't. Otherwise they rule you.

I was going to write them down in a journal, but then I thought that there was no better place to do this than in my private blog. An oxymoron, I know, but no one who knows me "in real life", personally, knows about this blog, so it is private in that sense.

Right.

I'm afraid that what I make will be cliched and derivative. I'm afraid that everyone who knows me, beginning with my husband and family and ending with my friends and anyone they know, will think it's boring or pointless. I'm afraid that people who know me will pity me for wasting my time with this. The best thing my husband has ever said about anything I've made is, "You could flog this for something" (about my Magic book). When I think about this whole creative thing, it really brings it home to me in a way that has never been so apparent before how much I crave and require others' approval.

And really it's down to two people--my husband and my mother.

Regarding my husband (we've been married 15 years), much of the last few years has been establishing an identity for myself that does not include seeking his approval for things. (I am sure he would be shocked if he read this--this is entirely my problem, not something on his part.) I do admit that I am deeply disappointed that he displays no curiosity or interest in this new aspect of my life, but he's never even asked why I find this rewarding or what I enjoy about it or why I feel so compelled to do it and collect all this stuff. Just no interest. And I refuse to grovel after it and offer something that wasn't asked for . . . but it's not my nature and it's really hard to not seek approval. Why isn't my own approval enough?

As for my mom, who has recently embarked on creative explorations of her own, I feel that if I did these creative things over family stuff, she would disapprove and think it was selfish. I don't know why--perhaps because she never did anything like that when I was growing up and saved her painting for retirement--but she has always to me seemed to be very clear about her duty and responsibility, and to not live up to that was due to laziness of character or selfishness. Not that I would neglect my family! But something makes me uncomfortable, maybe something instilled in me. Some of it has to do with women's roles, I know.

I guess that's mainly it. It has been a little disappointing how my family has reacted. My cousin who lives in town has never once asked me about what I'm working on or done recently either--no interest whatsoever. Finally I got tired of showing her my stuff since I might as well have told her when the last time I'd gone to the bathroom was for all the interest she had in it. It definitely makes one unsure about the worthiness of one's creations. No one that I've ever made anything for has ever come back to me and asked for something else for themselves or a friend, and many things that I've made for people I know have never been used.

So I have to find a path where my own approval--or at least license to play--is all that's required, regardless of what anyone else thinks. That's hard, especially for a woman! It's not what I wanted to have to do. But I guess it is what is required. If I turned around tomorrow and sold all my stuff on eBay, I'd feel i'd cut a part of my brain out of my head, thrown half of my self in the trash. I can't do that. I have to find a way to not need or hope for others' permission, where my permission is all that's important. Big job.

Floundering

It's amazing how fast things can change. I look at things I made just weeks ago, and it's like someone else made them. I almost can't remember being that person.

October was great with making the holiday cards, and I learned a lot (to be noted here soon, I hope, for reference next year). Then everything seemed to pile on top of each other and I feel I've had very little time for creativity. I am putting some pressure on myself because I want to move what I make to a more personal level, and yet I am resisting that on some level, I think.

Also, I had a personal issue happen with two women whom I thought were good friends, and in the end I felt I had been presumptuous to think such a thing. More fool me. Now that has bled into my creative life and sapped my belief that I am doing something worth doing and not just pretending with all this paint and ephemera and imagery.

On the other hand, maybe I just have a cold!

I guess I trust that I will wake up tomorrow and find enjoyment in this again, and not put pressure on myself. Given that hanging over my head is the need to protest someone's parole, maybe this is a good time to retreat into process and the act of doing without thinking so much, and find healing and solace that way. Tim Holtz already has two tags posted up on his blog, so maybe I'll just do those and enjoy the process of creating rather than digging into myself for a while.

I leave in two weeks for Xmas vacation, so there's not much time anyway; then I can return in January refreshed and restored and ready to see where I go from there.