Ongoing Projects

I have so many things to do I thought I'd better make a list:

1. Finish "Bathtime" piece
This requires continued messing around with it. I think I am on the right track--this evening I painted interference violet and blue paints over both the clear granular gel and the black background, and it ended up reminding me of wisps of steam rising up in a hot bathroom. The rivulets of clear granular gel remind me of the condensation that forms on the mirrors and drips down. I think the "bubbles" are going to work out all right with the glass balls over them, but I'm not sure yet. Should I put some kind of border around the circles--and if so, what in the world would it be? And how to adhere the balls to the piece is yet to be decided. I am going to need to paint some overall covering over everything too, and I need to decide what that will be (soft gel, heavy gel, gloss/matte/satin, etc.). Finally I have to decide how to integrate the nude woman panel into the whole thing. Using glass mosaic pieces at the corner of both the small panel and the large one does a good job, but I need to decide if I should add some blue & purple swirls into the fog at the bottom of the inset panel, or if I should add just a few streaks of interference red paint to the larger background panel. Or what the heck--maybe both!

2. Finish two fairy canvases
I have the idea of wrapping each with wire and having crystals strung on the wire. That's also how I could attach the bottle with glass shards inside to the piece. Also need to put a couple of layers of gel medium over them.

3. Complete house accordion book
The cover is done and the signatures are sewn in, but I need to add text to them. I think I'm going to put stuff in from Alain de Botton's The Architecture of Happiness. I need to decide what the test is, lay it out on the page, and execute it.

4. Complete Renaissance women's triptych
The triptych itself is done, but I need to make a final decision on the paper for the signatures, choose the embroidery thread for sewing the signatures, create and add text & illustrations to the signatures, and sew them in (must also choose beads to cover the spine sewings). I think I'm going to use the Katherine Phillips poems, because its weirdness is useful to demonstrate the small box that women used to beat their wings against, some more successfully than others.

5. Finish off the little blizzard books I made a few weeks ago. They need covers (or to be incorporated into something larger) and text on the pages. I haven't thought about these much so am not sure where I'm going to go with them.

I'd really like to wrap up these projects so I can think about the new book styles I want to try and also figure out some different ways to use the beautiful chiyogami papers I received for my birthday last week. I am now a proud members of those in their forties! And happy to be there.

House book--folded accordion with pockets and sewn signatures

I started with a leftover strip of paper from making an Inventor's Journal for my son. When I had folded it into an accordion, it seemed a bit tall, so I decided to fold it up from the bottom to make pockets. Got to have something to put in the pockets, so I tore another strip of leftover paper (Strathmore 400 drawing paper for all of this) into variously sized panels and put two in each pocket. Then I tore some longer strips and folded them into two 2-sheet signatures.


Using Tea Dye Distress Ink and the ink applicator Tim Holtz likes to use with it, I applied the ink all over the accordion and the panels. I wasn't sure yet what I wanted to do with the signatures so left them alone.






I used the General's Classic Sketching & Drawing Kit that I had with me to make three circles on the front cover, using a pale pink, a dusty rose, and a hint of blue. I grabbed a paper napkin (all this so far done in a coffeeshop) and smudged it. Then I used charcoal to draw a house outline on the front. (I did practice on some scrap first.) It looked a bit plain and clearly needed something on the front. As I experimented with adding a door, it was immediately clear that I needed to draw an open door. Very pleased that I could figure out how to do such a thing, I did it and then added some marks to the roof. It ended up looking like a thatched roof. The only way in is through the door, which stands invitingly open.


When I got home, I glued the edges of the accordion pocket shut with a very fine application of Matte Accents (it was easy and to hand). I had thought about sewing them shut but decided that is for another book--I didn't want to add the stitches on the front cover.

I added some yellow and white with the pastel chalk pencils to the house, then I added some Dried Marigold and Tattered Rose to the inside pages of the accordion. I left the loose panels and the back of the accordion with just the Tea Dye.

Some content was called for--I couldn't put it off any longer. I decided that this was going to be a book just for me, rather than something on the level of a gift. Reading The Architecture of Happiness, by Alain de Botton, had such an impact on me that before I returned it to the person who'd loaned it to me, I had to go through the whole book and write down the sentences that moved me the most. There were a lot of them! Also this summer one of my goals was to learn to use Photoshop Elements. Combining these things into a book seemed just right, somehow.


So I imported photos, some from royalty-free web sites and others that I or my mom had taken, fiddled around with layers and such in PSE, and then overlaid the image with a quote from the book. I guess this has really turned out as a contemplative or meditative book for me, because I love to pick it up, thumb through the little pages, and read the quotes. My thought for the slips of paper in the pockets is that I can use those to write down notes about things I'd want in my fantasy house. The end result is pretty simple, and if I were going to turn it into a gift book it would need some things added to it, but for myself, I love it.

Paint-Sample Album

Tonight I made one of the books out of Re-bound--the paint-sample album--with an eye towards doing it in the book arts workshop I might teach at my son's school (if anyone signs up for it!). It took me about an hour and a half from beginning to end, so if I want to do the whole thing in one session for the workshop, I am going to have to prepare some of the materials ahead of time--probably cutting the paint samples and sheets would be the obvious thing to do. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to get them familiar with using a paper trimmer though; maybe I'll figure out where I can fit that into an earlier class and just save them until we are ready to assemble the book. That's a good idea . . .

I didn't have the right hardware for the top so had to use brads until I can make a list to get the right stuff. It looks pretty cute and I think everyone will like the hinge on the top cover. I made some mistakes and judgment errors, which is good--I'll be able to point them out in class and use them to demonstrate certain things.

It was fun to go start-to-finish on something. Having the possibility of leading this workshop in front of me is doing wonders for my activity in the studio. I always did work better with deadlines!

Instant Book: "There is a Pleasure . . . "

When the Muse visits, she blows in, makes herself at home, and refuses to leave until she has said what she's got to say. Goodness!

Yesterday I followed Esther K. Smith's instructions for making an instant book; I used a sheet of 8-1/2 x 11" brown kraft paper. So cool! I realized that the acrylic skin weaving I did (that was not at all to my liking) actually looked great on the front cover, so I glued that down with Matte Accents. Then I thought that the skeleton leaf that came packaged with wood-grained chopsticks that I put in my stocking this Xmas (I'm pretty much responsible for my own stocking stuffers and table presents) would be the perfect thing to put over the weaving, and that turned out to be the case. I put a very thin streak of Matte Accents along the spine of the leaf and adhered it to the weaving.

Then I searched for a nature quote and found part of a Lord Byron poem: "There is a pleasure in the pathless woods, there is a rapture on the lonely shore . . . " I quickly decided where to put the words on the pages and wrote them in with a white Bruynzeel pencil. I'm happy with the writing, surprisingly enough. I wanted it to look rustic and as though someone had written with something they'd found on the forest floor.

Then I used the set of leaf stamps by Hero Arts that I so miserably failed at using last night with the Jacquard Castaway stamp pad (don't use Castaway on brown kraft paper) and stamped using Archival Ink Sepia. I had no problems or doubts about which image to put where. I am very pleased with the result.

Acrylic Skins for Weaving

Tonight I prepared some acrylic skins to use in demonstrations for my upcoming Book Arts Introductory at my son's school (if it makes!). I made a fiber skin (using Liquitex Blended Fibers; Jerry's Artarama didn't have the Golden version in stock) as well as three fluid acrylics skins (Raw Sienna, Burnt Sienna, and Burnt Umber Light, all Golden). My plan is to cut up the colored skins and weave them together as a cover ornamentation, which is an idea I got from the Woven Ticket book in Re-bound.

All the skins are done on sheets of glass that I got at the local hardware store.

So these can dry until Monday morning, as I don't think I'll get a chance to do anything again until then. It will be interesting to see if I can, in fact, weave them together. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do with the fiber paste skin. Might turn it into a small book, as I bet I could get a decent signature out of them, and use them as pages, or use as a front cover for a larger book.

My Fears

I am having problems getting going after my return from the vacation. Some of it is that I am still thrown off--and terribly disappointed, wounded--from something personal that happened at the end of last year with people I had been sharing my creations with, people whom I thought were friends, safe. I may be mistaken, but now I believe there were things going on that I wasn't aware of and that were purposely kept from me, and frankly I feel like a little child who was told to take her toys and go home. It was the first time in years I had opened up like I did, and boy do I feel it was a mistake. Right now I can't see doing that again for some time.

Part of my problem is in my head. I need to clean up my workspace, and that is frustrating because I have so little space--I want big tables, I need to spread out! But that's not possible for the time being, and when I look at issues of Where Women Create and see what some make do with, I know very well that's my head coming up with excuses. I could do it, I'm just afraid.

So, I pulled out Kelly Rae Roberts' Taking Flight book this evening and browsed through it again. And I thought, why not go ahead and write down my fears? I know from therapy for a previous experience that those things one thinks one cannot say hold power over you. You can say anything--and you MUST find a way to say those things you think you can't. Otherwise they rule you.

I was going to write them down in a journal, but then I thought that there was no better place to do this than in my private blog. An oxymoron, I know, but no one who knows me "in real life", personally, knows about this blog, so it is private in that sense.

Right.

I'm afraid that what I make will be cliched and derivative. I'm afraid that everyone who knows me, beginning with my husband and family and ending with my friends and anyone they know, will think it's boring or pointless. I'm afraid that people who know me will pity me for wasting my time with this. The best thing my husband has ever said about anything I've made is, "You could flog this for something" (about my Magic book). When I think about this whole creative thing, it really brings it home to me in a way that has never been so apparent before how much I crave and require others' approval.

And really it's down to two people--my husband and my mother.

Regarding my husband (we've been married 15 years), much of the last few years has been establishing an identity for myself that does not include seeking his approval for things. (I am sure he would be shocked if he read this--this is entirely my problem, not something on his part.) I do admit that I am deeply disappointed that he displays no curiosity or interest in this new aspect of my life, but he's never even asked why I find this rewarding or what I enjoy about it or why I feel so compelled to do it and collect all this stuff. Just no interest. And I refuse to grovel after it and offer something that wasn't asked for . . . but it's not my nature and it's really hard to not seek approval. Why isn't my own approval enough?

As for my mom, who has recently embarked on creative explorations of her own, I feel that if I did these creative things over family stuff, she would disapprove and think it was selfish. I don't know why--perhaps because she never did anything like that when I was growing up and saved her painting for retirement--but she has always to me seemed to be very clear about her duty and responsibility, and to not live up to that was due to laziness of character or selfishness. Not that I would neglect my family! But something makes me uncomfortable, maybe something instilled in me. Some of it has to do with women's roles, I know.

I guess that's mainly it. It has been a little disappointing how my family has reacted. My cousin who lives in town has never once asked me about what I'm working on or done recently either--no interest whatsoever. Finally I got tired of showing her my stuff since I might as well have told her when the last time I'd gone to the bathroom was for all the interest she had in it. It definitely makes one unsure about the worthiness of one's creations. No one that I've ever made anything for has ever come back to me and asked for something else for themselves or a friend, and many things that I've made for people I know have never been used.

So I have to find a path where my own approval--or at least license to play--is all that's required, regardless of what anyone else thinks. That's hard, especially for a woman! It's not what I wanted to have to do. But I guess it is what is required. If I turned around tomorrow and sold all my stuff on eBay, I'd feel i'd cut a part of my brain out of my head, thrown half of my self in the trash. I can't do that. I have to find a way to not need or hope for others' permission, where my permission is all that's important. Big job.

Brainstorming Likes

In the interests of thinking about putting something personal into my art rather than having it be simply well-executed, I'll go back to the beginning and think about what I like at the moment:

--small glass bottles
--metal
--iridescent and interference colors, things that change as you look from a different angle

That's where I paused. Interesting--nothing very organic there, all hard things. Pretty, cool (rather than warm) things.

I don't think any images I like come to mind--too hard to get everyone else's stuff out of my head. But as I write that, I realize I do really, really like architecture plans and blueprint drawings, so that's something. I also love maps. So back to the bulleted list:

--architectural plans and drawings
--maps
--beautiful handwriting

Not bad for a new beginning!

Shadow

I did have a neat idea for a piece sneak into my mind over the holidays--a portrait-oriented landscape, mainly fields and hills, with a shadow of some animal in the sky falling over part of it. You can't see any of the animal itself, only the shadow on the ground below. Overall effect would be of menace juxtaposed with beauty, hovering nearby, lurking. It sounds more like a straight painting piece, and I'm not a painter, so I'd have to figure something out, but I like the concept.

Plans for the New Year of 2010

I feel a need to reset myself and figure out what I want to do with all this stuff. I feel very strongly that it is IMPORTANT for me to break through this barrier I have set up for myself that is prohibiting me from truly making my own pieces. When I look back at the things I've made over the last year and a half, I do see a very strong presence in those pieces I did early on, before I got . . . self-conscious, or something, whatever it is. I love the water piece I did with the glass star in the sky, and I love the Magic book I made. I also enjoyed the over-the-top romanticness of the watchmaker's tins that I did for a recently married bride and her parents.

But for some reason, when I sit down to think, "what do I want to make", I am met with a complete void of thought. No colors, no words, no images, nothing. That's why I feel it's so important to break through this and not walk away from it, because that's just not right. It needs to be faced and dealt with. The question I have to answer is what is the best way to do that.

One thing I have considered is that I may be putting too much pressure on myself. It is okay to take pride and enjoyment in following someone else's project plans, and for that reason I plan to make some of Tim Holtz's Christmas Tags once I get settled back into the house. I'm also going to try to not save every single possible moment for art but use some time for cooking for myself & others and generally try to keep a balance without getting wound up about doing so. By now I have gotten to the point where I don't feel I have to apologize for having time to myself during the day, because my being available that way allows us to raise our children as we think it ought to be done--without babysitters, afterschool care, forgoing extracurricular activities. So okay.

The one other possibility I have thought of is that perhaps I just can't "create" this way--I need to be able to give into the obsession and not stop for picking kids up from school, fixing dinners, doing bedtimes, etc. In that case, I'd have to wait a long time to make anything! I think I can find a way to manage that, if necessary.

I think that when I relax a little, whatever I want to explore will come out. Now I'm open to it--even more, finally aware that I have been avoiding it. So I'll continue to do stuff and wait for whatever I want to explore to knock on my door, which will be unlocked and inviting.

Making a Scroll Book

Tonight I made a scroll book based on the description in Mary McCarthy's Making Books by Hand (p. 84). I used leftover scrap from my Gregorian chant paper, a chopstick for the dowel, and red ribbon. Took all of about 2 minutes--simple. The hardest part was figuring out that in the last step there is a typo, and a little bit of the ribbon should be glued to the outside of the scroll, not to ribbon! Either that or I got it completely wrong, but what I did seems to work.

The thing to do if I do this in a class with the kids is to have them decorate and write on the scroll first, leaving an inch undone where the scroll will go and making sure nothing hugely important is at the very edges.

I still don't know what I will put in it, since my belief in any kind of self-generated content is absolutely nil right now and even the thought completely paralyzes my brain, but at least I sat down and made something start to finish. I'm pleased about that.